The Biggest Problem In The NFL

Nut scratching.

Now I know this may not seem like a pressing issue, but hear me out. How do NFL players relieve their nads wadded up in that cup the entire game? There’s always a camera on them so you can’t just go bold with a quick twist of the D&B’s, but even if you do there’s just no good way to get in there.

I can already hear all the readers saying, “Hey Woody, what about halftime?” I’m sure its ball-raking central in the locker room but that’s just not enough to tide you over. You’re talking a three hour game full of running around in skin tight pants with pads all over, that’s chafe city. Now, hear me out, maybe the Players Association met at some point discussing such a problem and I believe I’ve found their sneaky solution. Whilst looking through the evidence, I believe the players formed a pact to give each other a nice groin graze from time to time during the course of a play. I have compiled some evidence and will let you make your own decision, but this is the most logical solution. Enjoy.


This one here may be an extreme, but perhaps Vernon Davis tipped off the other team that he was in need of some relief down south.


Clear as day, different uniforms with one common goal: sneak scratching.


Unique form but whatever gets the job done on ol’ Schaub.


Perhaps our friends at Clemson gave us the biggest tell. A little pile up, saw an opportunity to help a pal and did the right thing. Completely fine in my book.

In conclusion, I’m glad the players of our beloved game have found a solution to the real problem. Sure, theres domestic abuse, collusion, concussions and blown knees, but its the twig and berries that will always be the first priority.

Author: Woody

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