My Idiot’s Review Of The Greatest Movie Of All Time: Draft Day

Tonight marks the first night of the 2018 NFL Draft, and to kick off The Point After’s draft coverage I’m giving you my idiot’s review of cinematic perfection in Draft Day. This movie is a football guy’s wet dream, and it might be the greatest bad movie ever. Kevin Costner stars as the Browns GM, and heads up we’ve got some big ole spoiler alerts coming up. To kick off my review we’ll start with the negatives that make the film so perfectly terrible.

  • Somehow in this twisted universe the Browns have the number SEVEN pick, and the Seahawks fall ripe at the number one spot. I don’t care what they’re pretending happened, there were not six worse teams in the league than Cleveland maybe in any year ever.
  • Here comes the big spoiler, get ready, and please make sure you’re sitting… the end of this movie doesn’t end in utter incompetence for the Browns. In fact, it makes the front office look like vintage Belichick fleecing teams left and right.
  • This movie has a LOT of split screen. More than you and your buddies split screening MW2 local play back in ’85. Draft Day Split Screen 1Draft Day Split Screen 2Draft Day Split Screen 3MW2 Split Screen
  • The consensus #1 pick in the movie is fictional Wisconsin QB Bo Callahan, so lets talk about him for a second. First off, Bo is a Northwestern bred gunslinger with a thick southern accent. I’m talking Larry the Cable guy levels of yee-haw/howdy-doo. Second off, after the Browns trade for the #1 pick, they spend the entirety of draft day trying to figure out if he’s good or not. Even at the seventh pick, shouldn’t a team picking in the top ten at least know if the can’t miss guy is legit or not?
  • Ole Sonny Weaver Jr. writes the infamous note “Vontae Mack no matter what” at the start of the movie. If he really wanted to take a guy who was projected in the teens no matter where he picked, why even make the trade to #1 in the first place?
  • Roger Goodell makes an appearance for the Draft and walks out to an enormous applause from the crowd, when has that thumb of a man ever been applauded?
  • Starting QB trashes the GM’s office, doesn’t get traded. The head coach burns the playbook in front of the GM, makes trade behind his back, and still isn’t fired.

Now let’s look at the things that make this movie truly perfect:

  • Good players have great names, we all know it. This movie cranked out some unreal player names. Both QB’s in the film knock the intangibles out of the park with two first-name names. Bo Callahan and Brian Drew? More like Russell Wilson and Tom Brady. Need a punishing linebacker to stir the pot? Vontae Mack. You just can’t make this stuff up, unless you’re the writers for the movie? I don’t know.
  • Speaking of writers the script for this movie undoubtably stinks, bad, but in a weird way it’s perfect. For example, in the middle of tense trade negotiations the Browns GM calls the Seahawks GM a “pancake eating motherfucker”, and somehow the trade goes through. The movie also includes many pointless subplots to add to the drama, except it just makes it a little harder to watch. A girlfriend being mad at you for a lack of commitment? Seems about right but unnecessary to say the least. A mid-movie pause for a funeral? A little gloomy for a football war room movie don’t yah think?
  • The strength and conditioning coach smacks the GM on the ass at the end of their conversation, and some critics tried to call this movie unrealistic.
  • The cast is incredible and all the stars come through regardless of the flaming bag of shit script. Kevin Costner saves the movie, Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman gave an early career masterpiece. Alongside the Hollywood elite come a bukkake of elite-level NFL cameos, ranging from Deion Sanders, Mel Kiper, Chris Berman, big willy Jon Gruden, and even Arian Foster playing a college kid at age 76. Even goddamn P Diddy makes the cut, unreal.
  • The best part of this movie is the Browns not taking a can’t miss quarterback because 1) no one went to his birthday party, and 2) he got sacked 11 times in a season. First off,  *Peter Griffin voice* who the hell cares? Eleven is one sack a game, and it’s probably the shitty college O-Lines fault.

Who The Hell Cares

Image from Giphy

In conclusion if you haven’t seen this, I just ruined the whole thing for you but it’s still worth the watch. Every time I watch it, which is no joke 6+ times a year, I find more things that make me love it and you will too. Either way it might not be a great movie, but a la the most recent Fast and Furious movies the ridiculousness of it makes it must watch stuff.

Author: Woody

 

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